anxiety,  be more unicorn,  General Jane

End of a Decade…

There’s this meme going around and it asks what you have done in the last decade.  I have mixed feelings about this as I tend to do when things go viral and whilst its lovely to see those people who have achieved things, I worry that it becomes a competition and I struggle to think of things that I would consider major achievements.

Initially, I thought oh my word; I have just failed at everything. But no this isn’t true. I have had a tough year and I like to think I’m finally starting to accept myself but there’s a long way to go but I have made a start.

In the last ten years I have had 4 jobs, moving from supporting schools to managing the data within one, writing a timetable that worked. Worked at a prestigious Drama School as well as at a prestigious Ballet school.

I have had huge emotional setbacks, I’ve had anxiety paralyse me completely and I guess I would call it a full-on breakdown this year. But this time I actually sought proper help and I got it which has transformed the way I think and whilst 8 sessions turned me around, I wish that it could have gone on for longer I think there’s still a lot of things I need to talk about.

Moving to London has been a major change in the last few years. I’ve acquired the coping mechanisms of travelling as a commuter and I adore being able to go and see the weird films and the lovely theatres and plays that you really only get to see here in London.

I have defied my own expectations and have made new friends. Grown closer to some I knew a little and made lovely new ones.  I’m now at the stage where I have a couple of groups that I attend, that I have people I can go and see things that Phil doesn’t want to see and have that level of being independent and not so reliant as that really isn’t healthy. After being together for 16 years he is my everything and I do feel like we make a great team.

The end of a decade. I’m 40 fat and you know what I’m no longer going to apologise for taking up the space I take up.  I’ve been invisible for most of my thirties and that isn’t going to continue to happen, I have made a promise to be a better ally to my friends who need it.  To call out those who need calling out and to not be afraid to put my head above the parapet.

The cherry on the cake this year is the launch of my podcast. Having been invited to speak on the radio a couple of times it has been gratifying to gain the confidence to launch my own podcast.  I have spoken to lots of amazing authors and I feel like its beginning to gain traction with listeners and I feel very much like its growing organically and I love that.  I love that its mine and that I contact the author, record it, edit it and share it. I have also been floored by the response I’ve had from participants and really thrilled that they are willing to talk to me about their books and I’ve loved the way the conversations have deepened somewhat into some lovely places.

The last decade has been difficult I will not lie but I am extremely hopeful for the next one.

Jane Hanmer

Born in deepest darkest Shropshire. Currently living in London. A reader of books, a watcher of theatre and film, a player of board games. Intersectional Feminist Pronouns: She/her

2 Comments

  • Corrine G

    This is very uplifting, DLU! Well done you for overcoming the difficulties of the past few years; now is your time to shine as you move into the next stage of your exciting career – each step has taken you closer to where you belong, i.e.the Arts and theatre in particular. Really enjoyed the first podcast and will now make time for more. X

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