I had such plans for this pandemic, I would read, I would blog, I would podcast and I would be a beacon of hope in these trying times.
I have managed very little reading, some recording but no editing and a swathe of self-loathing and feeling extremely overwhelmed for weeks at a time. It turns out when the apocalypse comes all I want to do is watch Netflix and Disney + and I have no brain for much else.
This has sucked.
I have felt guilty, I have felt terrible and I have had no idea how to start again. So let’s put a pin in that because feeling like poo is not the way for me to get back on the blogging horse is it?
If you know me at all you know I run a bit introverted and a bit anxious at the best of times. I’m quite shy until I figure out that I’m safe to let my personality out, I honestly thought lockdown would be easy for me. Oh, how it wasn’t. I thought, I used to have my own office I don’t need people – it turns out six weeks into a new job, um yes I do. It turns out I need a lot more human contact than I thought.
So here I am starting again.
There are some recordings I need to listen to and edit and pull together into some kind of episode and then I’m getting back on the reviewing horse because in the before times I volunteered to read for two panels and time is running out for both and I need to get my bum into gear.
So I’ve been on a fantasy reading kick of late. Realm of Ash By Tasha Suri; The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alex E Harrow and Kingdom of Souls by Rena Barron. Reading has been difficult – one of the signs that I am not okay is when I do not have the concentration to read. And for nearly three months I haven’t been able to concentrate. Books which should have taken a couple of days have taken weeks and it has been a fight to not give up on myself for being useless.
But that’s the point, isn’t it? We are living through extraordinary times. And I don’t think anyone could predict just what that would mean for our health for our mental well being and I’ve spent quite a bit of time convincing myself that it is actually okay to not be okay and not do the complete crashing thing I’ve done before.
So can we agree that 2020 is terrible? There isn’t a day that goes by where something in the news makes me feel anxious and afraid or apoplectic with rage. I’m going to get back into reviewing things and having opinions as a woman on the internet – oh yeah, I’ve got thoughts.